She said

What I did by setting you up yesterday was wrong but I can honestly say I never have lied to you and I don’t just go around looking for people I can hurt so no I’m not an opportunist I did love you and just wasn’t pushing you away I just wanted you to know and be sure if you wanna be in a relationship with me and deep down you know you didn’t so I got tired of trying to show you how much I cared about you and eventually I gave up not once did I ever try and use you and I will say it again I would never use you if I wanted something from you I wouldn’t have put so many feelings into something I know wasn’t gonna work out I wouldn’t put myself through that heartbreak or the person I still care for you and I pray you find somebody who makes you the happiest man in the world

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D.T.R.T. #2

I have the upmost respect for this woman. I’m twenty-one, and yes she is older than me, so of course her values and what she wants is different than mine. She has great jobs, has her own car, house and everything else a woman hopes to attain on her own. Except a family.
So, if you’re familiar with my first (Do the Right Thing) post you know what’s going on. Anyway, one night we get to talking about goals, out on the beach in Kailua. I tell her about acting and screenwriting, these are a few things I wish to pursue. I tell her about L.A. and how I will be leaving to follow my dream. She says that’s great, you know, in that tone that women have when they want to sound supportive but if really hurts on the inside. I understand why though. I ask about her goals and the first thing she says is a family. She says that she has already has everything else she could want. I’m thinking it makes since now. It makes sense when she disregarded my gesture to wrap myself up. But anyway, this was a while back and since then I’ve been feeling different towards her. I like her, a lot. She’s a great person. Now I find myself wanting more, I mean I’m not ready for a family but I wouldn’t mind being with her.
Last night I spoke on my feelings for her for the first time, and she totally shot me down. She said I’m not looking for the same thing she is. Now, she knows what I want to do with my life, she preferred to have sex without a condom so she can start her family, and now she has changed from wanting to start a family with me to wanting me to stick to “my” plan.
Now a days you have some women willing to have a baby with a man because he’s going places. For his money. They have athletes and musicians babies. Money, money, money. But I respect the fact that she sees what I want to do. Like, this kid has plans he’s not like these island boys out here, so it would be fucked up to trap him here like that. Exactly the way I see it. When she said that, I ain’t gonna lie I was in love. For someone to be so selfless. I give her the upmost respect, not that I didn’t before but it’s different now. That’s a grown ass women that I admire and I got so much love for her now.
But with that, I know it’s going to be different now. I wish things could stay the same before feelings made things complicated. Before we both were so vulnerable. But that life.

Pele

Alright, if you’ve been reading my blog you know about a certain situation that I got myself into. If you are not reading my blog and have no idea what I’m talking about, then start reading. I won’t elaborate on the situation too much but I will say that it involves a Hawaiian woman, lust, and the future.
In order for me to help you understand why this means so much, I need to help you understand who Pele is. The way she was explained to me by a local, was a very jealous, loving, and creative Goddess. She rules over the Big Island of Hawaii. They say every eruption from a volcano is a creation from her. It’s said that she often appears in red, lives in a volcano and sometimes kills her lovers. Lots of people here on the big island have claimed to see her dressed in red.
Well, in my dream Pele came out of the mouth of a volcano as it was erupting. She looked extremely angry. She grabbed a hold of me and pulled me inside the volcano.
I told this to my friend and she said as long as I wasn’t burned alive I would be okay. But I don’t remember any other part of the dream.
I recently meet a girl. She’s awesome. I told here that in the spring I would be leaving to LA. She never says anything bad about me leaving but I can see in her face she doesn’t want me to leave. So, then I have this dream about the Goddess of Hawaii pulling me into a volcano( her home). I could be making something out of nothing but it could also be a possibility that Pele is trying to communicate to me that I shouldn’t leave.

The Fall

I think I just might be tryin way to hard for this girll. I don’t know, I’m trying to keep my player card but I think I like feeling this way. She told me once “everybody loves someone from Hawaii”. What kinda shit is that! She purposely told me that then stared at me so I can think about how much I like her.(I sound like a punk). Because she knows. I told her about moving to LA and now she showing all her cards. It’s like falling, you know your going to hit the ground but you can’t do anything about it. Hope ya’ll got the metaphor because I won’t admit it. That would make it more true. I think I’m slippin’ and I know exactly where she’ll be when I fall. I gotta stay focused on what I need to do and not get caught up. No matter how much I want to know what that mouth like. 😀