Numerology & The Audition

Today is 8-2-2013/ August 2, 2013
James Deans my favorite actor and who’s legacy I hope to emulate one day, was born o. 2-8-1931/ February 8, 1931. For me, today was the perfect day for my auditions. Like those actors who channel spirits, I wish I could of connected with him. Maybe another time. Idk. All I will say is wish I could say I got the parts. Back home to read ‘ The Alchemist…

Feeling: Numb…

[News] Trayvon Martin Hoody Will Be Placed In Smithsonian Museum.. Gone But Not Forgotten

TNE Promotion

Trayvon Martin will always be remembered the Smithsonian Museum wants to feature the same hoody that he was murdered in at the museum in the National Museum of African American History and Culture branch. The branch director Lonnie Bunch says that the symbolism and potential for discourse are the reasons the hoodie would be featured:

“It became the symbolic way to talk about the Trayvon Martin case. It’s rare that you get one artifact that really becomes the symbol.”

The Smithsonian Museum will open this part of the museum in Washington D.C. in 2015 and feature the hoody along with other historical artifacts.

 

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My Stupid-A**

In the bible it says, pride comes before the fall, and to me the fall is not the part that hurts but realizing that I didn’t have to fall. That I could of changed the outcome by keeping my mouth shut. I’m pretty sure I ruined the best thing that could of happened to me since I been in Hawaii. Besides the auditions, I mean. I had everything I came out here to do near completion but I had to fuck it all up by saying what was really on my mind. People talk about always being true to yourself and for me that works most of the time. But in this situation if I would of keep my mouth shut and went along with the plan, I’d probably be in a better situation physically, mentally , and emotionally.
She called me dramatic. But then again I am an Actor. Why couldn’t I act like a mute and shut the fuck up? This sucks. It’s not bad enough that I think about it consciously , but now I’m dreaming about it! I just pray to God this situation works out for me, and if it does I hope I don’t find a way to fuck that up too. Sad, sad day…

Titanica Audition

Tomorrow I have an audition for a short film being shot here in Hawaii. Reading the lines and the notes over, it seems like a very interesting film. Sci-fi, space, that whole thing. Titanic in space. The short film is one of a series of short films their doing out here. I’m excited. I’ll probably post about this again later on tomorrow. Keep watching. Peace.

Tropical Storm Flossie

They said that the Tropical Storm Flossie will limp over to Hawaii and I’m pretty sure that’s what it’s doing. I woke up today at 6 am as I usually do, and it seemed like any other morning. It’s now 9:30 am, I’m facing the ocean to the west and the waves seem pretty… Wavy? Their not really big either. Behind me is a huge mountain and its ominous looking. It then again it always does. I thing there’s a volcano or something up there. It always has clouds around it. I don’t know.
I’m on the west side of the island and the news said we should expect 6-10 inches if rain and blah blah blah but I never seen a tropical storm so I don’t know how fast they can appear, but it’s pretty beautiful in Kona right now. Even though Hilo side should see the worst if it, I’m eager to see what happens. I just hope if something does happen, that everybody is safe especially the homeless and that I’m in door somewhere. If I haven’t died , I’ll post an update later.

Venting

Have you ever heard someone say that another person has too much “baggage”? I spoke with a friend of my about this girl he was interested in. Granted, I am not an expert by any means on relationships or what to do. But, he asked for my opinion so I gave him my two cents. He stated the girl’s carrying too much baggage carry. My friend is thirty-one yrs old, leaves with his mama, works at a part time job were everyone is under twenty-one except him and the managers. So I just told him, where are you going that you can’t carry her baggage. I mean come on bruh, I mean no wonder you’re where you are with thinking like that. Everyone has problems so being a wreak like you are, and you say she’s a wreak too, why not be a wreak together? Help each other out. Me personally I know I have problems and I think the ones who can admit them are the strongest because by admitting them they become less of a problem. I’ll admit I’m obsessed with becoming wealth. It’s consumed how I feel about everything. How I treat relationships, what I do, my habits, and obviously my goals. I feel that theres no neec for friends unless they are like minded and can contribute to me accomplishing what i want. It’s sad because I can see that everything comes second to what I wanna do. I know that’s a huge deal for female to carry if you want me. That’s why my relationships don’t last long but to me it’s best that way. So that’s my baggage. All of the other things that plagued my life growing up, I totally let them go.
Anyway the whole thing about letting go is easy enough when you figure out the things that are holding you back have happened so long ago there’s no reason to keep them alive by letting the linger in your mind. If that makes sense. I’m not a life coach so if it doesn’t then oh well. Back to the whole baggage thing, I used to feel a different way about it. I used to feel lonely sometimes, because I noticed no one felt like me and they didn’t think the same as I did. It was like I grew apart from all my friends within a year. We all noticed it. I felt like, damn I’m lonely but then I would think , yeah I’m lonely but it was my loneliness. And with that I felt comforted that it made me feel stronger knowing I could deal with it myself. And myself was all I needed. I’m not talking about the sulking in the corner of a dark room loneliness, I’m talking about more of a personality/ mentality loneliness. I had friends but the all sucked because we grew apart right in front of me. And they wanted to do things such as go to a club, and is rather read a screenwriting guide or research acting methods. I don’t know where I’m going with all this but I guess I’m just venting. Chalk it up to being young and having a blog.

D.T.R.T. #2

I have the upmost respect for this woman. I’m twenty-one, and yes she is older than me, so of course her values and what she wants is different than mine. She has great jobs, has her own car, house and everything else a woman hopes to attain on her own. Except a family.
So, if you’re familiar with my first (Do the Right Thing) post you know what’s going on. Anyway, one night we get to talking about goals, out on the beach in Kailua. I tell her about acting and screenwriting, these are a few things I wish to pursue. I tell her about L.A. and how I will be leaving to follow my dream. She says that’s great, you know, in that tone that women have when they want to sound supportive but if really hurts on the inside. I understand why though. I ask about her goals and the first thing she says is a family. She says that she has already has everything else she could want. I’m thinking it makes since now. It makes sense when she disregarded my gesture to wrap myself up. But anyway, this was a while back and since then I’ve been feeling different towards her. I like her, a lot. She’s a great person. Now I find myself wanting more, I mean I’m not ready for a family but I wouldn’t mind being with her.
Last night I spoke on my feelings for her for the first time, and she totally shot me down. She said I’m not looking for the same thing she is. Now, she knows what I want to do with my life, she preferred to have sex without a condom so she can start her family, and now she has changed from wanting to start a family with me to wanting me to stick to “my” plan.
Now a days you have some women willing to have a baby with a man because he’s going places. For his money. They have athletes and musicians babies. Money, money, money. But I respect the fact that she sees what I want to do. Like, this kid has plans he’s not like these island boys out here, so it would be fucked up to trap him here like that. Exactly the way I see it. When she said that, I ain’t gonna lie I was in love. For someone to be so selfless. I give her the upmost respect, not that I didn’t before but it’s different now. That’s a grown ass women that I admire and I got so much love for her now.
But with that, I know it’s going to be different now. I wish things could stay the same before feelings made things complicated. Before we both were so vulnerable. But that life.

Pele

Alright, if you’ve been reading my blog you know about a certain situation that I got myself into. If you are not reading my blog and have no idea what I’m talking about, then start reading. I won’t elaborate on the situation too much but I will say that it involves a Hawaiian woman, lust, and the future.
In order for me to help you understand why this means so much, I need to help you understand who Pele is. The way she was explained to me by a local, was a very jealous, loving, and creative Goddess. She rules over the Big Island of Hawaii. They say every eruption from a volcano is a creation from her. It’s said that she often appears in red, lives in a volcano and sometimes kills her lovers. Lots of people here on the big island have claimed to see her dressed in red.
Well, in my dream Pele came out of the mouth of a volcano as it was erupting. She looked extremely angry. She grabbed a hold of me and pulled me inside the volcano.
I told this to my friend and she said as long as I wasn’t burned alive I would be okay. But I don’t remember any other part of the dream.
I recently meet a girl. She’s awesome. I told here that in the spring I would be leaving to LA. She never says anything bad about me leaving but I can see in her face she doesn’t want me to leave. So, then I have this dream about the Goddess of Hawaii pulling me into a volcano( her home). I could be making something out of nothing but it could also be a possibility that Pele is trying to communicate to me that I shouldn’t leave.

Do the Right Thing

Since this blog is essentially a journey, my journey, I can’t always address the times I’m inspired or happy. I have to address the darker side as well. I did something last night I’m not to proud of last night. Granted, I know I’m not the only man in the world who has done this and I won’t be the last. Potentially great lives have been fucked over because of a decision they made in the heat of the moment. But I did it. It’s over with. It’s nowhere near done, but I prayed last night that whatever happens I’ll take responsibility. I can’t change it. All my dreams could all go away pretty soon. My life could be over. The fuck am I gonna do with a Baby? Way to young. She’s older and I think she wanted to trap me. But either way I should of done the right thing, and wrapped it up. Now I gotta live with the consequence or the blessing, whichever your perspective.
The crazy thing about it is when I woke up this morning I just felt dead. I still feel that way. Like everything’s moving slow. I don’t sound like myself. My eyes look different. My body just feel empty. I don’t know what this is and I hope it’s nothing but… I just feel empty. Damn.

The Fall

I think I just might be tryin way to hard for this girll. I don’t know, I’m trying to keep my player card but I think I like feeling this way. She told me once “everybody loves someone from Hawaii”. What kinda shit is that! She purposely told me that then stared at me so I can think about how much I like her.(I sound like a punk). Because she knows. I told her about moving to LA and now she showing all her cards. It’s like falling, you know your going to hit the ground but you can’t do anything about it. Hope ya’ll got the metaphor because I won’t admit it. That would make it more true. I think I’m slippin’ and I know exactly where she’ll be when I fall. I gotta stay focused on what I need to do and not get caught up. No matter how much I want to know what that mouth like. 😀