Tropical Storm Flossie

They said that the Tropical Storm Flossie will limp over to Hawaii and I’m pretty sure that’s what it’s doing. I woke up today at 6 am as I usually do, and it seemed like any other morning. It’s now 9:30 am, I’m facing the ocean to the west and the waves seem pretty… Wavy? Their not really big either. Behind me is a huge mountain and its ominous looking. It then again it always does. I thing there’s a volcano or something up there. It always has clouds around it. I don’t know.
I’m on the west side of the island and the news said we should expect 6-10 inches if rain and blah blah blah but I never seen a tropical storm so I don’t know how fast they can appear, but it’s pretty beautiful in Kona right now. Even though Hilo side should see the worst if it, I’m eager to see what happens. I just hope if something does happen, that everybody is safe especially the homeless and that I’m in door somewhere. If I haven’t died , I’ll post an update later.

Venting

Have you ever heard someone say that another person has too much “baggage”? I spoke with a friend of my about this girl he was interested in. Granted, I am not an expert by any means on relationships or what to do. But, he asked for my opinion so I gave him my two cents. He stated the girl’s carrying too much baggage carry. My friend is thirty-one yrs old, leaves with his mama, works at a part time job were everyone is under twenty-one except him and the managers. So I just told him, where are you going that you can’t carry her baggage. I mean come on bruh, I mean no wonder you’re where you are with thinking like that. Everyone has problems so being a wreak like you are, and you say she’s a wreak too, why not be a wreak together? Help each other out. Me personally I know I have problems and I think the ones who can admit them are the strongest because by admitting them they become less of a problem. I’ll admit I’m obsessed with becoming wealth. It’s consumed how I feel about everything. How I treat relationships, what I do, my habits, and obviously my goals. I feel that theres no neec for friends unless they are like minded and can contribute to me accomplishing what i want. It’s sad because I can see that everything comes second to what I wanna do. I know that’s a huge deal for female to carry if you want me. That’s why my relationships don’t last long but to me it’s best that way. So that’s my baggage. All of the other things that plagued my life growing up, I totally let them go.
Anyway the whole thing about letting go is easy enough when you figure out the things that are holding you back have happened so long ago there’s no reason to keep them alive by letting the linger in your mind. If that makes sense. I’m not a life coach so if it doesn’t then oh well. Back to the whole baggage thing, I used to feel a different way about it. I used to feel lonely sometimes, because I noticed no one felt like me and they didn’t think the same as I did. It was like I grew apart from all my friends within a year. We all noticed it. I felt like, damn I’m lonely but then I would think , yeah I’m lonely but it was my loneliness. And with that I felt comforted that it made me feel stronger knowing I could deal with it myself. And myself was all I needed. I’m not talking about the sulking in the corner of a dark room loneliness, I’m talking about more of a personality/ mentality loneliness. I had friends but the all sucked because we grew apart right in front of me. And they wanted to do things such as go to a club, and is rather read a screenwriting guide or research acting methods. I don’t know where I’m going with all this but I guess I’m just venting. Chalk it up to being young and having a blog.

D.T.R.T. #2

I have the upmost respect for this woman. I’m twenty-one, and yes she is older than me, so of course her values and what she wants is different than mine. She has great jobs, has her own car, house and everything else a woman hopes to attain on her own. Except a family.
So, if you’re familiar with my first (Do the Right Thing) post you know what’s going on. Anyway, one night we get to talking about goals, out on the beach in Kailua. I tell her about acting and screenwriting, these are a few things I wish to pursue. I tell her about L.A. and how I will be leaving to follow my dream. She says that’s great, you know, in that tone that women have when they want to sound supportive but if really hurts on the inside. I understand why though. I ask about her goals and the first thing she says is a family. She says that she has already has everything else she could want. I’m thinking it makes since now. It makes sense when she disregarded my gesture to wrap myself up. But anyway, this was a while back and since then I’ve been feeling different towards her. I like her, a lot. She’s a great person. Now I find myself wanting more, I mean I’m not ready for a family but I wouldn’t mind being with her.
Last night I spoke on my feelings for her for the first time, and she totally shot me down. She said I’m not looking for the same thing she is. Now, she knows what I want to do with my life, she preferred to have sex without a condom so she can start her family, and now she has changed from wanting to start a family with me to wanting me to stick to “my” plan.
Now a days you have some women willing to have a baby with a man because he’s going places. For his money. They have athletes and musicians babies. Money, money, money. But I respect the fact that she sees what I want to do. Like, this kid has plans he’s not like these island boys out here, so it would be fucked up to trap him here like that. Exactly the way I see it. When she said that, I ain’t gonna lie I was in love. For someone to be so selfless. I give her the upmost respect, not that I didn’t before but it’s different now. That’s a grown ass women that I admire and I got so much love for her now.
But with that, I know it’s going to be different now. I wish things could stay the same before feelings made things complicated. Before we both were so vulnerable. But that life.

Pele

Alright, if you’ve been reading my blog you know about a certain situation that I got myself into. If you are not reading my blog and have no idea what I’m talking about, then start reading. I won’t elaborate on the situation too much but I will say that it involves a Hawaiian woman, lust, and the future.
In order for me to help you understand why this means so much, I need to help you understand who Pele is. The way she was explained to me by a local, was a very jealous, loving, and creative Goddess. She rules over the Big Island of Hawaii. They say every eruption from a volcano is a creation from her. It’s said that she often appears in red, lives in a volcano and sometimes kills her lovers. Lots of people here on the big island have claimed to see her dressed in red.
Well, in my dream Pele came out of the mouth of a volcano as it was erupting. She looked extremely angry. She grabbed a hold of me and pulled me inside the volcano.
I told this to my friend and she said as long as I wasn’t burned alive I would be okay. But I don’t remember any other part of the dream.
I recently meet a girl. She’s awesome. I told here that in the spring I would be leaving to LA. She never says anything bad about me leaving but I can see in her face she doesn’t want me to leave. So, then I have this dream about the Goddess of Hawaii pulling me into a volcano( her home). I could be making something out of nothing but it could also be a possibility that Pele is trying to communicate to me that I shouldn’t leave.

Do the Right Thing

Since this blog is essentially a journey, my journey, I can’t always address the times I’m inspired or happy. I have to address the darker side as well. I did something last night I’m not to proud of last night. Granted, I know I’m not the only man in the world who has done this and I won’t be the last. Potentially great lives have been fucked over because of a decision they made in the heat of the moment. But I did it. It’s over with. It’s nowhere near done, but I prayed last night that whatever happens I’ll take responsibility. I can’t change it. All my dreams could all go away pretty soon. My life could be over. The fuck am I gonna do with a Baby? Way to young. She’s older and I think she wanted to trap me. But either way I should of done the right thing, and wrapped it up. Now I gotta live with the consequence or the blessing, whichever your perspective.
The crazy thing about it is when I woke up this morning I just felt dead. I still feel that way. Like everything’s moving slow. I don’t sound like myself. My eyes look different. My body just feel empty. I don’t know what this is and I hope it’s nothing but… I just feel empty. Damn.

The Fall

I think I just might be tryin way to hard for this girll. I don’t know, I’m trying to keep my player card but I think I like feeling this way. She told me once “everybody loves someone from Hawaii”. What kinda shit is that! She purposely told me that then stared at me so I can think about how much I like her.(I sound like a punk). Because she knows. I told her about moving to LA and now she showing all her cards. It’s like falling, you know your going to hit the ground but you can’t do anything about it. Hope ya’ll got the metaphor because I won’t admit it. That would make it more true. I think I’m slippin’ and I know exactly where she’ll be when I fall. I gotta stay focused on what I need to do and not get caught up. No matter how much I want to know what that mouth like. 😀

Live Long

Honestly, I feel like if I can do something that benefits mankind, and also establish a movement that will be remembered long after I am gone, then that’s a life worth living. I want to represent something great, I want my life to be like David and Goliath. I want people to tell amazing stories about what I stood for. I want my accomplishments to not only be personally gainful but I want to live for other too. The people I look up to died at such a young age but still remain in the hearts of many, decades later. I want a story like that. I want a story like Jimi Hendrix, like James Dean, Muhammad Ali, Huey Newton, Marcus Garvey, Malcolm X, Steve Jobs. I want Nat Turners bravery and righteousness ,Che Guevara’s determination, and Dick Gregory’s wisdom. I just pray God keeps me close.
“You can’t reach for the Stars holding on to the Grass”

Umm where are you taking me?

I meet this girl at work right. She is very attractive, pretty face, nice body, all that. She seems pretty cool. She told me that she just got out of a relationship with a guy she was with for a year. Then she goes on to say that we should hang out. Soon. (Red Flag) I said ok because I mean she was fine and I didn’t have anything schedule for the weekend. Two days later, we start hanging out and she says “hey, you wanna go see the Ranch?”. She is a tour guide out here in Hawaii and this ranch she talks about is way up the mountain. Where it’s cold. And dark. And with no one else around. She says ” It’s super dark up there, you sure you won’t be scared?”. At the risk of looking like a bitch I say yeah let’s go. So we take off from the beach zig-zagging through these turns, further up the mountain, passing civilization and into the wilderness. It 11pm now and I noticed the temperature drop from 70 to 62. Then she starts talking about spirits and ghosts and if I saw one would I be scared. I play it cool all the while thinking this girl is crazy and where the hell is she taking me. I ain’t ‘gon lie she started acting funny so I started getting nervous.(Red Flag). We stop at this cabin house thing, on the mountain, at midnight, the house is totally empty no lights and I can swear I thought this girl was gonna murder me. It felt like I was in a horror movie. After seeing more of this pitch black house via flashlight on my iPhone, I relaxed a little. The rest is private but I just wanted to share this crazy story. It’s funny when I think if it now but for real I was scared man. We had a good time but I think I might have picked a crazy one :0

Leave it up to God

Sometimes I’m forced to submit to the fact that there are things in this world that I alone just can’t fix. I believe in God and the fact that once you acknowledge Him all things become possible. It seems that every time I decide to change for the better. To become more positive or what have you, almost immediately I get hit with a road block of negativity. That’s when I say fuck it, I can’t control other people, I can’t control what happens, I have a hard time keeping myself in line. So that’s when I just let God deal with it. I honestly waste so much energy trying to fix thing the way I want them to be. And there really is no need. Just remain positive in yourself, hold yourself down, and let God worry about this crazy world we live in.
Peace

They lied to Us

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Hip-Hop nowadays leave no room for softness. You constantly have to be aggressive and attacking everything. Who lives like that? I mean for real. No one is that angry all day. Dont get me wrong I love hip-hop. I love listening to artist such as Tupac,… well Tupac might be the only hardcore hip-hop artist I listen to. Through it all, even on his more violent songs there was always elements of a uplifting power. It always left you inspired if you really listened to the content. You can’t be soft is hip-hop, you won’t last long. But to me it isn’t a surprise to find out a lot of my favorite rappers are gay.
Frank Ocean gets a lot of hate from many different people just for being who he is. Everyone always talks about being real. They say “I’m the realest”. Really? You are? You mean the rapper who’s really gay in reality but will never admit it? That’s not real. That’s why I applaud artists like Frank Ocean for being who he is. I’m not gay at all and I’m not ashamed to say I love this guys music. At the end of the day I’m a fan of the music not the man or women. Honestly. I’m not one of those people who focus on who the person is and forget about the music. But if your music doesn’t have content it’s a waste. I think if your gay just say your gay and live your life. There’s no need to lie to everyone. I think we’re in an age where we as a people are more understanding of things like this. Just be true to you and trust that God will take care of the rest.
Peace